Saturday, November 26, 2011

27th November '11

This is NOT about blurting all over to gain anything from anyone.


I believe sharing is useful, that's always been the purpose of this blog, to share, in hope that others can understand themselves through someone else's open thoughts and feelings.


Writing is one of the few ways I can actually express myself and get my thoughts out.


I don't know how to deal with this. It's always been the case, but I've had stuff to get on with which, perhaps, preoccupied my mind. Who really knows.


I've been finding recently, dad just pops into mind and sets me off. Mainly at night, when things wind down, bang, tears stream. Don't know where it comes from or how to avoid, but it hits.


The main feeling is regret.


Why wasn't I with him more when I could have been? Christmas is going to be weird. He was such a good, talented, skilled, inspiring, loved person. He'd been through so much. Why couldn't I accept how ill he really was? Did I really know? Such a waste of a beautifully creative mind.




The worst part, and it feels selfish for thinking it, but I've lost the one person that I feel understood me. I could be talking about anything, and things just trail off, because I didn't really need to say it because he understood. Like I pick a subject and he'd be like telepathically "Don't get me started boy". heh.


When I think about things, I have this one, main, lingering and consuming thought, that he'd have been there, at my side non-stop if roles were reversed. As much as I was, I should have done and been there more. I'm sorry.


All I can really do at the moment it try to be brutally honest in hope to make some sense of things.

Monday, November 21, 2011

21st November 2011 - I really need to update more frequently!

Flying post to share some stuff that's been going on. 

PRETTY EVENTFUL AND BUSY REALLY - Read on!!

BELOW ARE. Links, Pics, People, Events, Stuff, VIDEO! etc:


Hoops , Juggling and bands - 30th October

Went up to London to see Ri-flower, Rae and others, to hoop, juggle and play in the park like awesome people. It was much fun, got a few hours of juggling practice in, which is a rarity nowadays but it was fun. When we'd finished in the park Ri and I went to Camden to our favourite little eatery "My Village".

PICS AND CLIPS TO FOLLOW!

Upon leaving, I did a double take and realised Matt and Chris from Funeral For a Friend were in there eating also. I left them be but figured they must be playing a show, so managed to wangle tickets and saw them that night. Escape the fate were supporting, which was an unexpected bonus. Funeral STOLE the night though with an AMAZING set, playing lots of songs from their kick ass new album, "Welcome Home Armageddon".

Here's a video of what I captured of the Night, Funeral for a friend opening up! Watch in HD!  



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D0yR5ToisaU

Coincidentally, this day last year I was seeing Avenged Sevenfold and Stone Sour! Apparently this date is yearly gig day.



Sopio! - 12th November

Certifimication
I ventured to LONDON for the 2nd London Sopio Tournament, celebrating the creation and release of the 3rd Deck in the Sopio series! ((It's a killer deck))

The Tournament was run by none other than Mr Danny Hooper and Alex Day, was great to see them again and have a good old chat about my favourite card game. 

This time round only deck 3 was being played the whole day, which, took time but was much fun being thrown into the deep end. I managed to get through to the final of this tournament with "Epic subby Rowan' Brad Smith from World of the Orange (TEAM WOTO) and Laura Maxwell.

Laura won in the end, but nonetheless I'm now ranked.... 6th in the world and Sopio! WOOP! www.sopiocards.com/rankings

Thanks for everyone for being so awesome and lovely (and geeky enough to attend and make it happen!

Respective links for this part:

Danny Hooper (Sopio King)  - https://twitter.com/themanofdan

Alex Day (Twilight reader sensation) - http://www.youtube.com/user/nerimon

Sopio (The greatest card game to exist ever) - www.sopiocards.com


Longboarding and pursuits - 15th November.



Playing while it was SLIGHTLY dry in Wales.

 Well, winter and the wetness has set in which is making boarding difficult BUT managed to get a decent day in last week, and filmed, and edited in the same day. So, enjoy the video below!
Big thanks to Newton's Shred for adding me to the Team and for the support over the year!
Need Longboard stuff? Get over to www.newtons-shred.co.uk

There will be MUCH more video stuff coming in the very near future, so if you aren't please subscribe to my channel on Youtube. http://www.youtube.com/user/Xpedite




Since last post, The Southend Longboarding Gravity Research Division and Newtons Shred Team, went to WALES to play on a VERY WET hill mid September, Hog Hill in the beginning of October and skating loads since.

If you could swing by www.facebook.com/slgrd and like the page, would be super awesome! Same for www.facebook.com/newtonsshred for all your longboarding needs and fixes :).

Last Little Bit - Legacy XS ESSEX - Oct/Nov.

Recently Legacy has had funding for a Laser Gun Combat space to be created.

ITS EPIC.

Legacy says: 
"Our Realistic state of the art laser game equipment immerses you in a world of combat scenarios for extreme excitement and entertainment.Using military grade, Red dot targeting scopes and weapon based programming, You can enjoy paint ball type games without the paint or the pain!"
If you're looking for some fun times to be had over the cold wet winter months, then book yourself in on a friday! I've spent hours in this place playing so far!!


THATS ALL

That it for now, gonna try to share little stories and things I find interesting more regularly, and less via twitter and facebook :)

THANKS! Once again, any thoughts, please share, would love to hear from you!!

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

26th to 30th August 2011

Blog update:

I always say there'll be more frequent updates, but it never seems to turn out that way, nonetheless, here's me, now, and what's happening in what I see.

Quick catch up -

The year seems to have gone really fast, end of July and it's mad. Over the past months, I've been working lots, still with the Youth Service, helping out at Legacy and have been doing lots more hours with the Vocational college as the students have been finishing up their year. The last 3 weeks I've had genuine work on every single weekday and weekend. Feel the tiredness now, but got some more free time over the six weeks holiday, which is welcome relief.

Apart from that I've been boarding all over, as ever, had the opportunity to skate in France at a killer event, and won at a very wet race day at Hog Hill, in London, was very tight and a very very awesome weekend on fun with some very cool people.

I've started moving and training a little more again due to a little bit more free time, so have been playing on my training rings, slickline and moving around some old Parkour haunts.

- 'Now' and the near vicinity of time.
Been very up and down over the past months, again looking at my life and reflecting on how I'm doing things and how I'm spending my time etc; I've been not happy with it at all to be honest. The sheer amount of work I've had on, has allowed me to focus on it as a challenge and keep my energy going into useful things. I've been told by a few people I need to relax and take some time out, which,may have been true, but still, I feel and 'know' to the best I can that I am 'lazy' in many areas, and should be working harder, so that's what I've been exploring and challenging practically.

Been feeling fairly in limbo in most areas, be that work, thoughts, faith etc, but again, and as seems to be continually the case. I hit this plataeu type place, a wall in myself. Often what happens is I run away from the good things in my life, the good people, faith, diet, movement etc and seek whatever comforts, short term, and for sure, most of these I believe to be detremental etc..... But this doesn't seem to be the case now.

My dad's very ill.

He's worked, from a young age, done all sorts, created great things, made things I wouldn't know where to start, worked all over the UK, helped me and others more times than I can count, he faced lung cancer around 13 Years ago, had half his lung removed and '"BEAT" that. He's just hitting retirement age this year. Before Christmas, he had a chest infection type things, because of the operation to remove half his lung from cancer, any kind of cold can and often does takes him out. He got a bit more ill as time went on hit a stage where he got very confused, started hallucinating, forgetting things, unable to read, or write etc. It was a possibility that the medication he was given was contributing to this. After scans in January and results, it wwas found that he had a grade 4 Glioblastoma, an aggressive brain cancer located near the area of the brain that affects vision and motor skills.

He was admitted and had to have an operation at Queen Hospital in Romford, aiming to remove as much of the tumor as possible and to then use radio and chemotherapy to treat and shrink the rest of the tumor. After reviews he was recomended to only have radiotherapy. He's finished that, and on verious meds to help try and reduce/manage swelling and what have you. Its been a few weeks since radiotherapy ended, and he's not particularly able or willing to leave bed and feels incredibally weak, and although this was expected afterwards, the doctor has said he needs to be readmitted to hospital.
And here I am, got here from Benfleet, waiting for him to be picked up and brought here in an apparently currently, non-existant ambulance.
That's the context both in what I'm doing, right now, what I'm thinking about, and what's important at the moment.
Been thinking alot about the why's regarding everything again.
Why this now? Why cancer again? Hasn't he been through enough in his life?

How am I supposed to react to all of this?

For a while and to be honest, since this all began, I've been the same old me, sticking with what's comfortable, whats easiest to do to keep myself feeling little better, because afterwall, 'if this is all we have to look forward to, why bother or worry?'.

Right?

As ever, I don't claim to have cracked anything, but I've come some realisations and some, re-realisations as, in my humanness, I've forgotten or ignored certain elements that I believe may in fact BE, and exist, and aid me.

Heading back to Southend and off to home after seeing my mum, sister and dad, and thinking about my being, looking at the rubbish along the train lines etc, and had the consuming thought of the 'dirtiness' with us all.

Our brokenness, our messed up parts, our shut off areas, our pasts.

Watching some people head to the high street while I was waiting for my bus, there were a few girls, fake tan, piercings in all the fashionable places, 'current' clothing etc. Even those who look so, what the world calls 'beautiful' have our crap, even when we, or some of us, go to GREAT lengths to cover it up.

We can all can relate to that, the little things to try to hide who we really are, be that in our personality and how we behave or act.... Interesting how we call how we behave how we 'act'. Or in the physical, going to extreme measures to fill our lives with beauty... tattoos' dyes, clothing, implants, extensions, cutting.... This one girl then decided to 'light up' and smoke. It's interesting how we go from going to these extremes to fill urselves with beauty, when they are so foreign to our being; and how quick we go to destroy it through our countless deconstructive habits, (Again I'm not criticising, sharing thoughts).

We ALL have them. We ALL have these shortcomings, these dirty areas of our lives, which, if aren't voiced, will always be our present, and our reality. We can be consumed and trapped by it.
In these thoughts, I remembered the passage in Phillipians where Paul discusses boasting all the more of his failures and weaknesses so as to show how strong God is.

The more we are ourselves, the more open we become, more what we perceive as vulnerable, yet, when we show it, when we stop hiding from ourselves and our nature, God can enter and we can become something else.
- 30th August -

Its been a while since I started writing this..., Dad died a few weeks ago. Things have blured into one busy week after another. I dont kbnow how to cope with this or how to approach this but God has been showing His strength through this all.
Soul Survivor Week C, was MUCH better than I expected to be honest. Really challenging and I went to lots of talks, in particular by Danielle Strickland (CHECK HER OUT ON YOUTUBE), she has some amazing powerful stories of her living out her faith.
Dad's funeral was on the 22nd August. The weeks have really flown, I've started heading back to work.
It's hard to comprehend that the world is without him, but I'm glad he is in no more pain and no more suffering, I'm going to miss the laughing, the jokes, the dinners, the general sitting around and sharing stories, but I'll always remember the “Hello boy” and so much more. I hope I do you proud.
Shortened and posted just to get this up, otherwise I'll be sitting on it for another month.


Love to all, as ever, I hope my writings hit your hearts and lives and please share your thoughts and perspectives, I'll reply to all who I can. 



Saturday, May 21, 2011

21st May '11 - Change

So, again, time has got away from me on this whole online thought sharing idea. I feel a personal disappointment in relation to losing a public, ongoing record for my own development and journey.

Regardless... here I am, I'm changing things to the best I can, and this will change too, in more ways than one.

Been a tough start to the year. February, I think I was seeing things in a positive light due to the new living environment, but it has been tough and started to take it's toll.

I had to reapply for my job due to the council and governments new way of raping the public services... got the job back, but now figuring out new work patterns, and the process was a little bit of a disorganised headache.

The move and travelling into and out of town has taken a lot of acclimatisation. I've been Longboarding a lot as a way to commute to and from home to the station and then onto work from Southend. Been co-establishing and developing Southend Longboarding, a group developed to promoting safe, fun Longboarding in and around Southend. Good exercise and  its all I've been able and willing to do given the sheer amount of work I've been doing, as well as recovering from my wrist injury since January which has ruled Parkour/upper body work out of the window.

My family is going through some serious stuff, my dad has a brain tumour and so we're going through his treatment and what have you, lots to go into, that I won't here. Coming to terms with much and questioning more.

---

Been feeling in an odd place. Lots of ups and downs, in thoughts and feelings, in longings and doings. Periods of community and belonging, contrasted by feelings of separation and being lost.

It's been odd.

It's funny, the more I go through things, and come to reflect upon what's happening with me and those around me, more it seems life is a cycle of fresh starts, new beginnings and seasons of maturing. That being said, I'm gonna share a little about my spiritual thoughts and (What I hope to be) 'development'. I hope and pray that it will reiterate/reaffirm my own thoughts, but also that you can share in them, on your journey, and be reminded that we are all fighting a hard fight, and that you, are not Alone.

I've been a lot more reflective over the months, really thinking about 'where I am' now, compared to where I 'was', and where I could be or, at least want to be heading. I'm realising my own being lodged here. There's so much to pay attention to, and to put real, conscious energy into. As such it's been hard to focus, decide, or comprehend where the future's could take me.

Maybe that's the point of this whole part of my life, all the reason for these events and circumstances; there to get me focused, back in the here, and now....

The only thing I feel fairly certain about at the moment, is that a few years back, when I was following some books and ways of approaching life and thoughts, seemed to help, so I'm trying to reaffirm those truths in my life be rereading, re-challenging and regaining drive, motivation and a capacity to see and accept the bigger picture of my life.

We're always on a path.  
It's not about trying to find one, but gaining vision and awareness to see that we're already on it. 
With acceptance of our ignorance, comes a clearer view. Humility 
It breaks through the clouds on the path in front of us, allowing us to see further afield when the path is flat and straight.
The challenges we face come in different forms. 
Some seem like violent gusts, pushing us over, narrowing our choices into a specific area. 
We often find them uncomfortable and we dislike our circumstances, but in reality, they show us areas of weakness and a means to improve them, bringing us into a balance with our skill, experience, resilience and life path. 
We must relax into them. 
At other times, the winds of the world whisper words into the thick mist. Sometimes we lack the sensitivity or want to hear them, and we listen to our arrogant selves, taking detours and rocky routes. Sometimes the winds raise doubts in ourselves and we choose to hide from the choices needed to be made, keeping us from truth and progression. 
We must quiet ourselves and listen to the voice 'within'. 
Either way, our path is paved through action. Through doing 
It allows us to learn and grow, though whichever choice we make if we have the senses, balanced and open.

In the paradox of our unknowing, we have the drive to seek. Maybe we keep looking in the wrong places and maybe the true place to look for answers isn't in the field tangible things that can be measured and extracted, but within ourselves, asking the questions so many run away from and create addictions and destructions to avoid.

We are made to be ourselves, making sense of who you are allows you to impact yourself and your world, and will encourage others to do the same as you share and grow together through the qualities that I can only see as a means to improve and move for the greatest good.

Love, Trust, Truth, Connection, Action, Change, Faith and Hope.

Change is the constant state our our existence. If you see the need to change or create and change, make it happen, pave your path so that others may steadily tread and find you.

Small updates in the near future..

--------------

Monday, January 31, 2011

Feb 1st 2011 - Here and Now.


So, hey peeps! Happy 2011, February already... wow!

November was my last post, as as my good friend Zak will jest... "THATS NOT GOOD ENOUGH!"

So basically, as a part of my resolve and ongoing journey and life practice, I will do my best to share my thoughts quicker, as and when they happen, and get them up here...

Often my writings get started and they stay half finished in the blog admin area here... (grrr)

As a part of my life and spiritual clear out, I'll share them out of respect for our collective oneness and the fact that so many times I've seen and heard people thankful for sharing my thoughts, I'll add old parts that haven't been finished to future pieces/updates.

So, Lets get some past out... This was written in relation to beliefs and getting stuff done... unsure where it was going, but at the time, I'm sure it needed restating.


"Thoughts and beliefs" 
-Only way to succeed in anything is to try. 
-With conscious trying/learning, we CAN improve. 
-The world/life is full of problems 
-The world is desperate for people to solve problems. 
-You CAN do it.


Yes it's easier said with done... but again, put small challenges in your way, that gradually progress... you get used to discomfort... so when it comes, bang! You smash through!

29th of December 2010 saw my hit 2 years of dreadlocks... epic journey of growth and patience...

My dad's been rather ill throughout Nov/December, but been on the 'mend' steadily. Been quite scary as it goes, just gotta keep the love going.

-- Where am I? --


Here and Now... I've moved to Benfleet, to live in a more focused household, closer to one of my jobs and yeah, to basically give myself and real and physical fresh start, and to be fair, it has helped, a lot.

Here I am, in my room :D >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I was baptised on the 16th of January, but I really feel the move was my new start, and my entrusting into the big man. Moved in New Years eve, and as with any change, there's the period of discomfort, getting into new timings, routines, new jobs, getting rid of old stuff etc, but yeah, really feel I belong here for now.

Certain habitual behaviours and areas of improvement, have been really developed and for the better and getting on top of things.

Still working 3 jobs and volunteering with odd jobs and projects, however I'm rethinking my priorities and what I need to be doing and where my time needs to be spent now. been very tired. More meditating/prayer/thoughts/questioning needed.

Working on organisation and how to fit everything in, linked to what's been said above.

Heading away to Amsterdam this week for a week which should help some thoughts and time to relax.

Really feel like I have been getting on top of certain aspects of my life, just gotta keep pushing onwards, not get complacent.

Might change the layout of the blog, what do you think?

This was just a quick one to update and add a current goings on.... Bare with me, working on time management and living in general, made mistakes with this blog posting jazz, forgive me.

Going to reshare a facebook update that I think better explains where I'm at, so here's me regular "2 Cents" You'd usually see in a metre long ramble put into a paragraph. Looking forward to further developing and journeying on through life with you.

- At the moment, I'm just trying to learn what it is to live as I was made to be, at the moment that includes my lateness, weakness, tiredness & struggling self. I'm working on it, we all can, but not if we're faking it, wanting to be that guy or that girl. Don't be afraid to admit where and when you fall short, confronting our inadequacies, helps us confront and overcome them, moving us closer to our true being.

Like it or lump it, I'm trying, working on living in light, faith, hope, truth and love. It's a tough one, lets do it together I can't do it on my own.

If there is anything you want to questions and explore, please post and as long as it's a genuine question/comment I'll be on it. (damn net trolls nowadays), or along the same lines, if there's anything poignant you enjoy, please share and link back to this blog. I'm not here for money, or recognition, lets just figure it out together.

In a world surrounded in celebrity and fakeness, lets throw some radical, ordinary honesty and PEOPLE back in the works.

Peace.