Tuesday, August 30, 2011

26th to 30th August 2011

Blog update:

I always say there'll be more frequent updates, but it never seems to turn out that way, nonetheless, here's me, now, and what's happening in what I see.

Quick catch up -

The year seems to have gone really fast, end of July and it's mad. Over the past months, I've been working lots, still with the Youth Service, helping out at Legacy and have been doing lots more hours with the Vocational college as the students have been finishing up their year. The last 3 weeks I've had genuine work on every single weekday and weekend. Feel the tiredness now, but got some more free time over the six weeks holiday, which is welcome relief.

Apart from that I've been boarding all over, as ever, had the opportunity to skate in France at a killer event, and won at a very wet race day at Hog Hill, in London, was very tight and a very very awesome weekend on fun with some very cool people.

I've started moving and training a little more again due to a little bit more free time, so have been playing on my training rings, slickline and moving around some old Parkour haunts.

- 'Now' and the near vicinity of time.
Been very up and down over the past months, again looking at my life and reflecting on how I'm doing things and how I'm spending my time etc; I've been not happy with it at all to be honest. The sheer amount of work I've had on, has allowed me to focus on it as a challenge and keep my energy going into useful things. I've been told by a few people I need to relax and take some time out, which,may have been true, but still, I feel and 'know' to the best I can that I am 'lazy' in many areas, and should be working harder, so that's what I've been exploring and challenging practically.

Been feeling fairly in limbo in most areas, be that work, thoughts, faith etc, but again, and as seems to be continually the case. I hit this plataeu type place, a wall in myself. Often what happens is I run away from the good things in my life, the good people, faith, diet, movement etc and seek whatever comforts, short term, and for sure, most of these I believe to be detremental etc..... But this doesn't seem to be the case now.

My dad's very ill.

He's worked, from a young age, done all sorts, created great things, made things I wouldn't know where to start, worked all over the UK, helped me and others more times than I can count, he faced lung cancer around 13 Years ago, had half his lung removed and '"BEAT" that. He's just hitting retirement age this year. Before Christmas, he had a chest infection type things, because of the operation to remove half his lung from cancer, any kind of cold can and often does takes him out. He got a bit more ill as time went on hit a stage where he got very confused, started hallucinating, forgetting things, unable to read, or write etc. It was a possibility that the medication he was given was contributing to this. After scans in January and results, it wwas found that he had a grade 4 Glioblastoma, an aggressive brain cancer located near the area of the brain that affects vision and motor skills.

He was admitted and had to have an operation at Queen Hospital in Romford, aiming to remove as much of the tumor as possible and to then use radio and chemotherapy to treat and shrink the rest of the tumor. After reviews he was recomended to only have radiotherapy. He's finished that, and on verious meds to help try and reduce/manage swelling and what have you. Its been a few weeks since radiotherapy ended, and he's not particularly able or willing to leave bed and feels incredibally weak, and although this was expected afterwards, the doctor has said he needs to be readmitted to hospital.
And here I am, got here from Benfleet, waiting for him to be picked up and brought here in an apparently currently, non-existant ambulance.
That's the context both in what I'm doing, right now, what I'm thinking about, and what's important at the moment.
Been thinking alot about the why's regarding everything again.
Why this now? Why cancer again? Hasn't he been through enough in his life?

How am I supposed to react to all of this?

For a while and to be honest, since this all began, I've been the same old me, sticking with what's comfortable, whats easiest to do to keep myself feeling little better, because afterwall, 'if this is all we have to look forward to, why bother or worry?'.


As ever, I don't claim to have cracked anything, but I've come some realisations and some, re-realisations as, in my humanness, I've forgotten or ignored certain elements that I believe may in fact BE, and exist, and aid me.

Heading back to Southend and off to home after seeing my mum, sister and dad, and thinking about my being, looking at the rubbish along the train lines etc, and had the consuming thought of the 'dirtiness' with us all.

Our brokenness, our messed up parts, our shut off areas, our pasts.

Watching some people head to the high street while I was waiting for my bus, there were a few girls, fake tan, piercings in all the fashionable places, 'current' clothing etc. Even those who look so, what the world calls 'beautiful' have our crap, even when we, or some of us, go to GREAT lengths to cover it up.

We can all can relate to that, the little things to try to hide who we really are, be that in our personality and how we behave or act.... Interesting how we call how we behave how we 'act'. Or in the physical, going to extreme measures to fill our lives with beauty... tattoos' dyes, clothing, implants, extensions, cutting.... This one girl then decided to 'light up' and smoke. It's interesting how we go from going to these extremes to fill urselves with beauty, when they are so foreign to our being; and how quick we go to destroy it through our countless deconstructive habits, (Again I'm not criticising, sharing thoughts).

We ALL have them. We ALL have these shortcomings, these dirty areas of our lives, which, if aren't voiced, will always be our present, and our reality. We can be consumed and trapped by it.
In these thoughts, I remembered the passage in Phillipians where Paul discusses boasting all the more of his failures and weaknesses so as to show how strong God is.

The more we are ourselves, the more open we become, more what we perceive as vulnerable, yet, when we show it, when we stop hiding from ourselves and our nature, God can enter and we can become something else.
- 30th August -

Its been a while since I started writing this..., Dad died a few weeks ago. Things have blured into one busy week after another. I dont kbnow how to cope with this or how to approach this but God has been showing His strength through this all.
Soul Survivor Week C, was MUCH better than I expected to be honest. Really challenging and I went to lots of talks, in particular by Danielle Strickland (CHECK HER OUT ON YOUTUBE), she has some amazing powerful stories of her living out her faith.
Dad's funeral was on the 22nd August. The weeks have really flown, I've started heading back to work.
It's hard to comprehend that the world is without him, but I'm glad he is in no more pain and no more suffering, I'm going to miss the laughing, the jokes, the dinners, the general sitting around and sharing stories, but I'll always remember the “Hello boy” and so much more. I hope I do you proud.
Shortened and posted just to get this up, otherwise I'll be sitting on it for another month.

Love to all, as ever, I hope my writings hit your hearts and lives and please share your thoughts and perspectives, I'll reply to all who I can. 


Starbuck8757 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
IronButterfly said...

Remember to let Jesus carry you.

Steve Finnell said...

you are invited to follow my blog

Jacqueline said...

Brad, I love how reflective you are. You really give me a lot to think about and it is really appreciated. Stay strong my brother.