This is NOT about blurting all over to gain anything from anyone.
I believe sharing is useful, that's always been the purpose of this blog, to share, in hope that others can understand themselves through someone else's open thoughts and feelings.
Writing is one of the few ways I can actually express myself and get my thoughts out.
I don't know how to deal with this. It's always been the case, but I've had stuff to get on with which, perhaps, preoccupied my mind. Who really knows.
I've been finding recently, dad just pops into mind and sets me off. Mainly at night, when things wind down, bang, tears stream. Don't know where it comes from or how to avoid, but it hits.
The main feeling is regret.
Why wasn't I with him more when I could have been? Christmas is going to be weird. He was such a good, talented, skilled, inspiring, loved person. He'd been through so much. Why couldn't I accept how ill he really was? Did I really know? Such a waste of a beautifully creative mind.
The worst part, and it feels selfish for thinking it, but I've lost the one person that I feel understood me. I could be talking about anything, and things just trail off, because I didn't really need to say it because he understood. Like I pick a subject and he'd be like telepathically "Don't get me started boy". heh.
When I think about things, I have this one, main, lingering and consuming thought, that he'd have been there, at my side non-stop if roles were reversed. As much as I was, I should have done and been there more. I'm sorry.
All I can really do at the moment it try to be brutally honest in hope to make some sense of things.